I’m leaving my husband for Williams-Sonoma.
Dear William Sonoma,
You seem so happy when I stop by. And you always have freshly made snacks just for me. I know it can be hard when I walk out the door. So I have a solution. I may be a little forward in asking, but can I move in?
I would gladly bake or cook in your little kitchen with any of the chef themed food kits that you carry.
I’m sure Mr. Keller would be quite happy if I sprinkled his cake with some of those colorful decorative pearls.
Don’t worry I don’t take up very much room. I could make a bed on the comfortable and stylish dish towels that you carry. You probably don’t know this, but I’m a big fan of cured meats. I see that you carry pink salt.
Do you think you might be able to set up a closet for curing? It’s not a deal break but It would be nice. You have so many cookbooks. There must one about charcuterie.
There is something else you should know about me. I have an absurdly large amount of cooking trivia and information in my head. I know why you need multiple Microplane zester’s. I mean really, why you would use the fine grater for parmesan is beyond me….That’s for zesting and fresh nutmeg. The one to use for hard cheese is the medium ribbon size. And I like the fact that your sales associates wouldn’t look at me strangely when I talk about 00 flour and the beauty of Kitchenaid mixers.
Your layout is so nicely arranged. Everywhere I look, there is a shiny new cooking tool that I must have. It would save me a lot of money if I could just move in. How did you know I love Le Creuset? My lonely blue French oven is looking a little used. I notice you have flame, what other colors do you have? Cassis? Citron? The color doesn’t really matter, I guess… I think it would just be easier if I moved in..
If I made cupcakes for you can I stay? I would make love letter cookies for you everyday.
Ok so here’s the deal. My husband is banning me from your store. Please help, I can’t bear to be parted from the mini offset spatulas and your special golden all clad.
Tara(Your Secret Admirer)